So, I’ve been dating a lovely young lady (that shall remain nameless). She’s pretty cool in many ways. The most prevalent one is that she hasn’t been scared away from reading my articles on this blog (hopefully this one won’t be the last straw). Anyway, we’ve gone on a couple dates now and things are moving along swimmingly. The question I have to ask myself is how do you know when a person is right to take steps forward with?
How do you know when a person is right for you? In Malcolm Gladwell’s book, Blink, he talks about rapid cognition, meaning the ability to make a decision about someone or a situation with in one or two seconds of being introduced. So when you’re on a date with someone, your brain has processed whether this person is right for you within the first few seconds. You just have to catch up. Although rapid cognition happens subconsciously, I think it’s important to consider and I’ll explain why a bit later.
If you’re like me and not completely in tuned with your subconscious mind, you’ll need more concrete criteria to decide if s/he is right for you. Luckily I’ve put together a few points that I think make sense. Below are three signs to know if you should take serious steps forward with the person you’re dating.
- Clear signs of affection – tighter hugs, a gentle kiss on the cheek. etc… concrete actions that shows the other person cares
- Elevated conversations – conversations that have to do with life goals and aspirations, core values and beliefs, etc
- Intimate conversations – conversations that are full of emotion, talking open and honestly about what you feel both happy and angry
If you are able to achieve some level of the above with your partner, I’d say that you have a keeper. If one or two are lacking try to engage in those activities to see the response you get.
There’s something to say about time that I didn’t include in the above criteria. I didn’t included it because I feel that reaching a high level of intimacy is independent of time. Part that notion has to do with Gladwell’s ideas about rapid cognition and the other part is not being so afraid to take chances when you see something or someone you like. If you wait too long for it, it might disappear. On the other hand if you try too hard, you might kill it before it starts. You have to use your intuition to find that happy medium.
Back to the lovely lady that shall remain nameless. After going on a few dates with her, do I feel that we’ve achieved all the above? No. Do I think it’s possible? Yes. Although I don’t bank on time in these situations, I know that time will tell…
Thanks for sharing!
I found that many do not trust their ‘rapid cognition’ – which is intuition… and that is somewhat missing in today’s dating. I would not go further to aquire the three ‘factual’ signs unless have a strong intuitive ‘o.k’.
Intuition can be nurtured and strenthen.
Cheers,
Dr. Joe
Rey, I must agree that we can develop that rapid cognition, intuition, instincts, red flags, good signals, or however we label that Blink feeling.
As far as you and your lovely lady, who shall remain nameless, I wouldn’t overthink it too much. We used to call it ‘going steady’, but I’m not sure what people call it anymore. If she’s a sweetie then taking her off the dating market soon, may be a good option.
Interesting post. As someone who just started back dating a year ago, I wish I would have known about rapid cognition. As a man who has been dating women in their 30′s, this is a necessary skill to have as many are ready to settle down…I have lost out on some good women, by actually thinking taking your time is the way to go…I guess you live and you learn..lol
This article made me feel real mushy inside! I feel you blossoming as a writer and individual!
Well, I guess starting to be serious in a relationship takes time. Because, as what we can see in our society nowadays, some are just dating for fun. Or if they are serious, they’re really come a time wherein you need to adjust each differences. And the best thing there is try to know each other for a long time. Before deciding to be serious.
Well, I guess starting to be serious in a relationship takes time. Because, as what we can see in our society nowadays, some are just dating for fun. Or if they are serious, they’re really come a time wherein you need to adjust each differences. And the best thing there is try to know each other for a long time. Before deciding to be serious on your date.
Certainly many of us, especially women, ignore our intuitions during the dating process. I believe that’s because we tend to always be ready to compromise on what we really want out of our relationships. For example, we [the woman] doesn’t smoke cigarettes or anything else for that matter, but we don’t immediatley run from a man who openly admits that he does. Or we don’t drink, but we don’t mind when the man we’re on a date with has a beer or some other kind of alcoholic beverage. We go over to a man’s apartment and see it’s a mess but we think little of it because, after all, that’s his spot, not ours. However, we’ll we go further in the dating process, move even into cohabitating or marriage, and these things that began as nuances become very serious matters which often drive couples apart.
I met someone a few months ago…we have 2 out of the 3 right now, and I’m sure it would be 3 out of the 3 if he were in the vicinity. Unfortunately he won’t be moving back to the area for another 3 months. The waiting is killing us both. This is a sign I think that we are good for each other. I did not meet him through an online dating website….I met him through a mutual friend and wasn’t even looking to date anyone. It kind of just happened. He is totally amazing though…for now Skype, Email, Texing, IMing and Phone Calls will have to do……
Thank you your insight. Really interesting thinking about these 3 signs.
A very true of three sign especially you views on point no. 2
‘conversations that have to do with life goals and aspirations’