Is thinking about your ex a bad thing? I’m in a new relationship and I find myself comparing things about my new guy with my old guy. Am I wrong for doing so? I think not.
Its hard to forget your past, especially if you are a person who likes to analyzes life and try to find out what you can learn from your life experiences. I believe that everything happens for a reason and so, there is a lot to learn from every relationship you have been in.
For a while, I tried to force myself to believe that there is no reason to think about the past. But I was only suppressing my thoughts and feelings. I felt guilty every time I thought about my ex, and I realized that I was doing more harm then good to myself. So, I have come to terms with the fact that it is OK to think about my past. I also believe that it is normal to compare (in your head), your past relationships with your current one.
I was discussing past relationship with a male friend who states that he no longer discusses his past relationships with his new relationships. He avoids telling the whole truth about his past because he feels that if he is completely honest with his new girl, the information will scare her away.
I agreed with him completely! I reassured him that there is no need to discuss his past with your new girl.
I was adamant about the idea until he told me something interesting :
“If the past doesn’t matter, then there would be no purpose for a resume.” I thought the statement was clever and it held some truth.
It’s important to talk about your past for several reasons:
1. First, you need to analyze your past so that you can learn from it. You can analyze it by writing your thoughts and experiences in a journal; or you can discuss it with a close friend. I’ve learned so much about myself in this new relationship, but its all because of what I had been through in my past relationship.
2. Most importantly, from a medical perspective, people should discuss their sexual history with one another BEFORE they engage in sexual activity. You should find out their number of partners, sexual practices: homosexual or heterosexual sex, history of STIs and use of contraceptives. These are important things to know before jumping in the sack.
3. Lastly, even though it is not generally recommended to talk about your ex, when your partner does talk about it, it gives you good insight on what type of person you are dealing with. If your partner tells you that his/her ex’s were along the lines of: crazy, drug addicts, manipulative, or abusers, guess what, most likely your partner has characteristics that attract those types of people, and if you don’t fit the description, RUN AWAY.
These days its hard to find someone with a clean slate. Its like Drake says:
“I feel like I’m bound to end up with somebody
That’s been with everybody.”
So at least be with someone with a descent past. Hopefully, we learn from our pasts relationships and make better decisions when choosing to be with someone in the future. Good luck.
Be blessed & spread love,
Kim
Absolutely! For anyone that’s had poor outcomes regarding past relationships it is imperative to examine the details and share important facts with the current partner. “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it”. Best of luck to those looking for love!
Everyone wants to find someone with a clean slate but few ask themselves if they have a clean slate.
Play Fair!
@ Amy I agree with you
In theory it’s a good idea to touch these subjects, but I personally think most people would have a very hard time discussing your sexual past with a new flame. I am sure the last thing you want to blurb out on the first date is” Oh by the way, I had chlamydia last year”
I am not sure how anyone would actually get through that talk and expect honesty on both sides.
- Jen
Missy D, love the quote, thanks!
Amy, its very hard to find someone with a clean slate, that’s I recommend young people to wait, chose wisely and make their “First Love their Only Love” (my next article)
Claudia, I appreciate you comment
Jen, lol! I would hope nobody shares that information on the first day! They would never make it to the second one.
I must say that I DID go on a date with a guy who told me about his sexual history on our first date! I was appalled! lol
I think it is bad to start comparing, if you analyse too much and your new partner doesn’t live up to your expectations, you will be going thru a ton of relationships.
Kim,
You make a VERY illogical argument. It goes like this:
Is it OK to compare my current partner to my previous partners? It must be, because it’s unhealthy to not talk about my past.
No. It’s not OK to compare your current partner to a previous partner. There shouldn’t even be a comparison. If you’re comparing, you’re probably with the wrong person.
Is it healthy to reflect on the past, and talk about the past with your current partner? Absolutely. That’s part of an open, honest relationship.
Learning from the past is not akin to comparing your new guy to your old guy. Not by a long shot. Sounds like you’re still a bit hung up on the old guy as opposed to appreciating your new guy for what he is. Learning from past relationships means analyzing your behavior, your past partner’s behaviors, and how to the two of you interacted. A guy’s behavior is not a guy, it’s his behavior. Comparing the guys themselves only tells me that you haven’t changed a big. You’re living this relationship the same way you did your last one, only with another guy. How does that display that you’ve learned from your past relationship at all?
Obviously, on some level, we all compare our current love interest to our priors, but that should be pretty short lived. The only relevant comparison should be compatibility. Do the factors that put you off about your old partner exist in your new partner, or do the factors that your old partner didn’t have exist in your new partner? That much at least shows that you’ve adjusted your mate selection accordingly. If you’re getting down to the dirty details like, “My old boyfriend used to do this for me” or “My old boyfriend would have laughed at that joke”, then you aren’t living in the present. You’re still in the past with your old boyfriend.
Comparisons between old and new mates should be used very sparingly. The real analysis should be you and your own behavior. Did you tweak your selection in guys to find more suitable to your needs? Do you tone down the behaviors that sabotaged your last relationship? Has your past relationship given you the insight you need into making your new relationship work? Notice how none of those questions has your past boyfriend or boyfriends himself involved, only you. I think your analysis is a little off. You’re looking at the wrong party in your relationship(s).
Comparisons should not be there in any relationships, it can be either way around, if your comparing someone to yourself or with anyone else, and especially not with your ex’s !! Eventually these kind of relationships don’t last long, people end up fighting and there’s another full stop to a relationship…